if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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