Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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