i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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