what day is it and did you see me today?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
