my mouth tastes like poor choices
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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