walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
