Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
