Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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