I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
