throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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