Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
