GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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