I am midnight drunk by noon
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
