Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
