1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
