Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
