Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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