You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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