I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
