He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
