i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
