Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
