I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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