Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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