bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He shit in the fireplace
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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