dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
