Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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