It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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