At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
