U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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