i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
