How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
