I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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