2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
