just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
