last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
