I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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