I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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