I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I am midnight drunk by noon
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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