I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
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i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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