You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
