there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
