Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
