My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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