thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
