The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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