I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
