My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
