I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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