he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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