my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I want a musical about memes.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
