whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
