I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
