The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
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i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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