Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
