my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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