So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
that may or may not have been my penis.
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